I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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