Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
