Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
