when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
