The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He keeps bees of course he's weird
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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