Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
