wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
