Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
