Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
