Four minutes until I can fart!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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