Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
