So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize