I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
