when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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