remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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