The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
