So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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