he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
