I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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