Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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