Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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