??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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