i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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