i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Randomize