You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
