Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
