I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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