I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
