Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
