I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize