It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just want to make out with him forever
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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