I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
high people should be assigned attendants
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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