farters have to be the big spoon...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
