i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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