Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
