then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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