I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
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