I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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