So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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