i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
