I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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