that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
