sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize