I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
