I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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