he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
