i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
3pm strippers are depressing
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
