using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
