I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
