and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
