moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
