fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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