I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
