I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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