I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I checked into jail on foursquare
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
