2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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