You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
