he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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