TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
