she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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