Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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