You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
