Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
